What Ifs

I usually just blog about Bella and what's going on with her, but tonight I wanted to share what God's been really working on in me lately. I recently read a book by Jeanne Damoff, Parting the Waters. Mrs. Damoff's husband was one of our professors at ETBU and the book details their family's journey after their 15 year old son's near drowning about 12 years ago. They had been told there was no chance he would recover, but God worked a miracle in Jacob's life and he has made amazing progress. I would recommend the book to everyone. It really reminds you of God's faithfulness, not to give us what we "want" but exactly what we need for the situations we are in. I read the entire book, amazed as I read at the story of God's continual faithfulness to work through a situation that on the outside looked absolutely hopeless. Near the end of the book, maybe it was even in the appendix, Mrs. Damoff was talking about her younger son and said she sometimes wondered if Jacob's personality would be similar to that of his brother if he had not had the accident. Then she made a statement that hit me like a ton of bricks, it was as if God had but the statement in the book just for me, she said there are no "what ifs". God knew before the beginning of time what would happen to each of us each and every day of our life. That's such an overwhelming thought to me. It's something I've always known, not really a new concept, but in the moment I read those words on the page it was like God was reminding me that He's in control of everything.

I've struggled since my miscarriage with "what ifs". I was prepared for problems late in my pregnancy, I just assumed that I would have another easy first trimester, like I did with Bella. When I was pregnant with Bella I was so scared of miscarrying but with my second pregnancy, I didn't much think of that. After one NICU baby, you just automatically think that's where you are headed again. I knew that God could carry me through that. He did it with Bella and I had complete faith He would do it again. I was in such shock right after the miscarriage that I just felt like I needed to move on and go on with life, even though I didn't really know how to do that. After the first week or two of initial grief, that worked somewhat for those first few months (not that I didn't have my moments...just ask Kyle), but then as I got closer to what would have been my due date, particularly once I hit what would have been my 31st week (which is when I had Bella) I just couldn't shake the thoughts that I shouldn't be doing this or that because I should have my baby, or be on bed rest, or driving back and forth to the hospital every day, etc. We would be somewhere, at church, out to eat, or doing something with Bella and it would just hit me. God was dealing with me then but I couldn't really put words to it, I'm not sure I was really there yet. During that time God was using little things to remind me that He is in control. He continually reminded me that He always knew exactly what would happen and that it hadn't surprised Him. I was reminded time and time again, in little things that our days have been numbered since the beginning of time. God has always known how many days each of us would be here on earth. There's nothing we can do to change that. There are no "what ifs" with God. It's just exactly as He knew it would be.

This is definitely not to say I don't struggle with this. I will be the first to admit that this weekend was hard for me as I sat with Bella at Kyle's graduation and then had Mother's Day on Sunday. I just had this feeling like something was missing. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever not feel that way. It's something God is continually working on in me. I know I've shared Mary Beth Chapman's blog on here before. I've been continually encouraged by her honest sharing of the struggles she has had since the death of her daughter last May. Here's the link to her blog: http://chapmanchannel.typepad.com/marybeth/. Check it out if you haven't before.

Bella is rebelling against the video camera right now. She refuses to let me make a video of her. I'll try to catch her soon and post a new video.